Underneath my pain

I hate that you don’t knock on the door but you break in like a robber.I hate that you don’t give a heads up when you are coming.I hate that you don’t consider who to touch and who to spear.I hate that no one escapes you no matter how much they try . I really hate to see your car still packed outside my home and your presence felt inside my house even after serving you notice to evacuate.Am tired of waking up to your sight and going to bed with you.Am tired of thinking about all the things you have fragmented and the ones you yet to break.I just want to know when you will leave and never come back .

We live in a world of uncertainity. In as much as we try to predict our outcome,life always hit us with unpredictabilities.Sometimes its the good news that we have been anticipating for too long and we pause our lives long enough to celebrate.Then other times is what we never saw coming nor ever wished that leaves us shattered.No one wants to live in a world where pain is inevitable when we are at our best.When laughter is the best medicine in our tongues life is at its best.When each day promises success we go to bed expectant for the next.when sitting with your loved ones at the dinner table leads to candid conversations and the room is boisterous because you can’t contain your happiness life is at its best.Then just at the click of a button things no longer make sense.your phone rings and the shocking news shakes to the core.Just when you were taking the next step to your destiny, suddenly you get pulled back ten steps.Just when you were excited about the next promotion at your dream job the termination letter is handed over to you.Who would have thought your loved one that lived healthy would be diagnosed with a life threating disease?One thing after another keeps hitting.Tears that once meant joy have turned to sorrow.Darkness has covered the light in your soul that illuminated so brightly and now you can’t trace the path that was leading to the tunnel.The dark clouds have eclipsed the blue skies and suddenly the storm falls and you wonder when it will be over.You didn’t see this coming.This was never in your prayer request.This was not how you thought your life would turn out. and now its here to stay for who knows how long?Where is God in all these ? Why me?Was this part of the process?and if so why was I not prepared for it ?how am I supposed to handle this?or should I just live everyday expecting more because may be this is just how my life was supposed to be.Not realizing that the release of those words tied me into a friendship with my pain.

Pain is excruciating. Not the the kind of pain you experience after hitting your ankle on the edge of the door although that is painful too.Am talking about pain that cuts through your heart leaving you breathless wrecking your entire being to a point of death.it is a thief that comes to consumes all the joy and hope you once held and replaces it with despair and hopelessness backing you in a corner and convinces you there is no other way out of your situation.Its the monster that taunts you late in the midnight hour sucking every ounce of your life.

I know what is like to spend long nights contemplating suicide. afraid of taking your own life, you ask God to just let you sleep and not wake up.but then the sun rays peeping through your window keep announcing the breaking of a new dawn and you realize you still have breath in your lungs .Cradled in your blankets your body refuses to get up and your mind convinces you to just lay there all day.Your eyes swollen from the tears you have cried all night .

I can’t remember when you finally convinced me to be your friend.The fact that you kept lingering made me give in.You created a comfortable environment where I could come everyday and feel safe.You inflicted thoughts in my mind that it was okay to walk around still holding on and that I wasn’t alone.Every time I encountered someone who told me what l didn’t want to hear ,you step in and drowned those words with your own.When I wanted to take a different path,yours seemed easier to walk through. Little did I know that our friendship was not for the good of me but for the worse.You fed me lies.following you meant losing me.Now am left with two options to either break up with you or keep entertaining you while my life falls apart.

Has pain ever become so prevalent to you that you finally choose to identify with it?no longer a you grieving but you have become callous and find a way to get through each day.it doesn’t feel like a temporary predicament anymore but a permanent dwelling.When the only person you thought could take it away looks like he is unavailabe so you stop praying and trusting him.When did your perspective shift?why did you stop believing in a God who makes beauty out of ashes ?why did you let the world stiften you and force you to paint a false image on the outside ? Convincing you that only the weak display their pain and numbing it makes you stronger?I know you got exhausted and decided to settle.but I can tell that your inside is still screaming for help.It is tired of letting you walk around pretending it demands healing for your wounded soul.Stop ignoring the voice whispering to your ears telling you not to give up on yourself because there is more.this version of you is not the best there is gold underneath that pain and all am asking you is dare to dig.we need you to unearth it and make a crown that was designed to be placed on your head reminding you that you are still a queen.

I won’t stop fighting for you until you learn how to wrestle on your own.I want you to pack your bags from the land of pain and move to the land of promises.I know you can’t see those promises yet but your willingness to take a leap on this journey will begin to give you light in the blurriness in front and stabilize your limping feet.Every step you take you unfold a version of yourself you didn’t know was within.You are allowed to be human again.let those tears make their descent down your cheeks you are releasing the pain and inviting healing. allow yourself to feel weak so that the master’s strength can make you stronger.I know its taking more of you but its teaching you courage and bravery to keep walking and refuse to settle.allow the uncomfortability to push you into what lies on the other side of these heaps of pain.There is still hope for a future so bright.There is resurrection for your shattered dreams.Strength to forgive yourself and the one who hurt you.There is Faith to believe that God can take your pain and turn it to purpose all he needs you to do is finally cast it all to him for he cares for you.

He will show you why you had to be the one who went through it.All while you were grieving and yearning for him,he gave you strength to endure and you survived when it seemed like dying was the only way out.So don’t let your surviving be what defines you .You are an overcomer,a more than a conqueror who is wining every battle on your victory road.The treasure awaits so keep digging my friend am cheering you on.

Dear lord:I pray for my friends who are reading this and are currently on a rough road of pain may you offer them strength to walk through their pain believing you have a crown that awaits on the other side if they keep digging.may you wrap your arms around them and comfort them with your love.Give them a reminder that you are still on your throne and this fire will not burn them because you are holding them with your righteous right hand.Lord I pray that you will open their hearts to let go ,forgive,embrace change and allow you to lead them into their purpose. May their pain serve as a reminder that you are still healing broken hearts,mending broken pieces and restoring lives.amen